When Humans and Trampolines Collide

Time Travel! During the first episode, I didn't realize that Doctor Who was about time travel, but right at the end, he says "It can also travel in time", and this episode, we get to go far into the future. This can only be fun!

And it is, with the bizarre aliens, the bizarre rules, and even during the emotional parts, where Rose gets to take her first steps into the future or gets to talk to her mum.

"Whoa! Gravity still works?!"

So we travel to the year "5.5/apple/26" and get to meet a couple of interesting aliens, like the Forest of Cheem, who seems to have a crush on the Doctor

"Are you a tree-hugger, 'cause you can hug me real tight."

The Adherents of the Repeated Meme, a group of faceless robots that really want to hand out their balls

Obviously, I meant those silvery balls that are in its hand... I'm really not saving face here, am I?

Oh, and apparently, I'm still alive in 5 billion years.

My mom says I'm handsome.

And finally, we get to meet the guest of honor, Lady Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta 17.

YOUR FACE! ... is all that there is of you...

So it wouldn't be a Doctor Who episode if sh*t didn't hit the fan really quickly, and so the Adherents' balls start to hatch into spider things that start wreaking havoc throughout the space station, called "Platform One".

So the story revolves around the Doctor and Jabe trying to solve the problems caused by the spider things and trying to find out who is responsible, while Rose goes into culture shock and yells at Cassandra.

Rose made both of the jokes I wanted to, the "trampoline" joke and the "Michael Jackson" joke. What's left for me?

Rose almost dies, Jabe does die, and the Doctor in the end saves the day.

So What Did I Like?

1. The goofiness

All the different kinds of aliens, the prohibition against weapons, teleportation, and religion, the attitude of the Steward - "You're not on the guest list" to the creepy spider thing, Jabe's and the Doctor's flirtation. This episode had the freedom to really go all out with the weirdness of the future, and it did.

I carry one of these in my pocket at all times.

2. The Story

It was good. It wasn't the story of the century (well, I guess it was, because how many other stories take place in the 5.5/apple'st century?), but it was compelling enough for me to watch through a few times. I really bought into the Doctor's affection for Jabe and vice versa, and was genuinely saddened when she died. That said, I wasn't terribly shocked when it turned out to be Cassandra, and Rose didn't add anything to the story (except for the trampoline joke).

What I really liked about the story, however, was the part where the Doctor and Jabe discuss his ancestors and his family, which started with a simple ... photo?

"This photo will keep me company when I'm ... lonely"

She implies that something terrible happened to the Doctor's familiy and species, and is surprised to see that the Doctor is still alive. In a nice little climax to their relationship (see what I did there?), Jabe's last line reveals the Doctor's species: Time Lord, a rather pretentious name for a species if you ask me.

3. Watching Cassandra Die

It was really satisfying to watch Cassandra just sort of spurt out of existence due to the heat that she herself caused. It was also interesting to once again compare Rose and the Doctor, when Rose wanted to save Cassandra out of pity, while the Doctor felt that she was too old.

This is what true satisfaction feels like.

So What Didn't I Like?

The first time I watched the episode, I loved it - no complaints whatsoever. Then I actually started thinking about how situations like this could have been avoided and I realized that the entire episode falls apart under scrutiny. So let's start with the computer system.

Future folk make crappy fonts

Just the facts:

• The computer controls everything.
• Nobody on the ship knows how to fix the computer if it breaks.
• The ship is in a very dangerous location (a location where it will get burned to a crisp if the shields go down).
• There are people on the ship during the time when it is at the greatest risk to get burned to a crisp.
• Those people are not allowed to use teleportation devices.
• The specific people in question are very wealthy, and there is likely someone who would benefit from their collective demise.

In other words, if anything goes wrong, a whole bunch of people will be in a giant space oven, and have no way of leaving safely.

Does "The Company" have insurance that will cover that kind of gross negligence? 

It should be painfully obvious that this is a setup that is asking to fail, and no "Company" would ever allow itself to be that careless with the lives of its wealthy clients unless it wanted liability lawsuits up the wazoo. 

Moving onto the spider things.

Having a gift-exchange on a trip like this is cute, but the steward knows the precarious position that Platform One is in. The computer absolutely must be kept safe and secure, which means that any foreign objects, especially ones that might interfere with the computer, must be screened. But instead of being careful with the lives of his clients, the steward just allows the Adherents to bring these mysterious silver spheres onto the ship and pass them around.

Finally, let me discuss the system itself, and the next screencap will highlight just how phenomenally stupid the system on Platform One is. Below is an image of a button being pressed, and I want you to guess what that button does.

"And version 5.5/apple introduces a controversial new feature: the vaporize-the-person-pushing-this-button-as-well-as-everyone-else-in-the-room button."

The caption does not lie. Pressing that button causes the sun shield to slowly descend, which will cause everyone in the room to suffer an excruciating death. Think about that for a moment. Not only is there hardware in place for the sun shield to be lowered, but there is an easily-accidentally-press-able button that will kill everyone in the room. What happens if you have a meeting with a client and they accidentally trip and steady themselves with the wrong part of your desk? Everyone dies!

Also, check out this image of Rose being trapped in a room.

"Sure, leave me in here. I'm sure the sun shield won't start descending again."

Notice how the walls are burnt? That's because the walls are not designed to take the kind of heat that results from shining the sun directly on them. Neither is the door, given that the lock melts when exposed to the sun. 

So I just have to stress once more that

• Nothing in Platform One is design to withstand the sun shield being lowered.
• There is a button that lowers the sun shield.

Okay, so there is an override switch that apparently fixes everything just by pulling it and shouting "Raise Shields!".

This is the make-all-bad-things-go-away lever. It's much harder to access than the roast-everyone-alive button.

There's one problem. The only way to get to it is by crossing a bridge thing that is blocked by a bunch of fans.

Seriously, who designed this place?

Well there is a lever that slows the fans down, but it won't stick, and so Jabe has to heroically sacrifice herself so that the Doctor can throw the override lever. 

No real place would be designed like that. It's so phenomenally stupid that it's beyond words. If there is an override switch in a place like that, it would be in the Steward's office, not situated in such a way that someone literally has to die every time you need to do an override.

Lastly, the glass.

Nooo! Not the Jedi council!

Once the Doctor throws the override switch, the computer repairs the exoglass. Why was it not doing that constantly???

So overall, I enjoyed the episode. Jabe and Cassandra were interesting characters, and the writers clearly got to have a lot of fun playing around with what a far, far future might look like. Rose was a non-entity in this episode, but that was well-explained and made complete sense in the context of the show. My one complaint with the episode, which I described at great length, completely destroys the plausibility of the story, but for me at least, did not make it any less enjoyable to watch - just a lot more fun to review.

NEXT EPISODE: THE UNQUIET DEAD

Being undead looks kind of painful.

"Does my face match my ectoplasm?"