...Something about refrigerators?
The Story
So there's a mammoth in a submarine.
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| Pictured: The world's smallest mammoth |
But it thaws out and starts killing people.
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| Pictured: Not a mammoth |
This creature is Grand Marshall Skaldak, Sovereign of the Tharseesian Caste, and Vanquisher of the Phobos heresy, and yet some measly human creature has the gall to try to electrocute him.
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| Pictured: Gall |
So Grand Marshall Skaldak decides that all of humanity is forfeit due to Stepashin's act of defiance, and, after an inconvenient stint in chains, slips out of his armor to wreak havoc on the crew of the submarine. Fortunately, after he stares at the big red button that will end humanity, he gets rescued by some fellow Martians and disarms the bombs once again.
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| Pictured: Deus Ex Machina |
The Bad
Yes, I'm starting with the bad. It's a new thing I'm trying. Sue me.
Okay, let's start with what I think was the single worst aspect of this episode.
Missing Words
Reread my description of the story, and you will notice two words that are completely absent. Despite the absence of those words, I still painted a complete picture of the plot of The Cold War.
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| Pictured: A side character, right? |
Wait, he was supposed to be a part of the episode? Reread the summary and you'll see that even though I used neither the word "Doctor" nor the word "Clara" (or any sequence of words that alluded to them), I didn't really miss anything.
Even though the episode was mostly told from their point of view, the Doctor and Clara didn't really do anything other than run around. Admittedly, the Doctor saved the sub right at the beginning by giving good navigational advice, and he probably helped near the end by stalling Skaldak, but neither of those were things that had to have been him. I complained about this with Clara in Rings, and now I complain about it with the Doctor in Cold War: his unique perspective on life didn't contribute to any part of the story.
Similarly with Clara: she did nothing other than wander around and eventually sing with the professor.
The Ending
Yeah, that ending was worse than Rings. At least in Rings, someone did something, even if it was completely illogical. Here, just in the nick of time, Skaldak's friends show up and beam him up.
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| ...Scotty |
What's really disappointing about that is that there were some good options there. The writers could have had the Doctor successfully talk Skaldak out of blowing up the planet, and possibly bringing him back to Mars. Or they could have had Skaldak actually push the button and found some clever way for the Doctor to save the world from the already-launched nukes.
The other really disappointing thing is that Skaldak went on this whole rampage because he became convinced that his people weren't coming for him. You'd think that if you're smart enough to be the most heroic conqueror in a particularly advanced race, you wouldn't get all mopey about the death of your people until you're really really certain that your people are actually dead.
Splitting Up?
Why in the world did the Doctor think it was a good idea to split up? He knew that Skaldak was extremely dangerous, it seems to me at least that once Skaldak was in a bad mood, the only way to keep everyone from dying unpleasant deaths was to make sure he stayed restrained and electrocuted.
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| If Skaldak is anything like the Daleks, then you might as well not even bother with chains... |
Okay, I guess they tried, although somewhat feebly. But then, when he escaped? There was one room, one room, that they desperately needed to keep Skaldak out of, and that room was the bridge. The one room that had the big red button. The one room that they needed to stay in, in order to prevent Skaldak from finding and pressing the big red button.
But instead, they left. In pairs. In order to be as vulnerable as possible. Why? I guess we'll never know, but the result was ... predictable.
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| He went on to star as Thing in The Addams Family. |
Vegas
So the Doctor thinks they're in Vegas. Couldn't he have used his nifty monitor to look outside? Or opened the door a crack? Just to make sure they're actually in Vegas, rather than in the middle of a submarine.
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| "Hey, want to play roulette? With Russians?" |
Turn Around
Remember that scene where the Doctor is facing away from Skaldak and spends like five minutes not noticing the giant Ice Warrior behind him, even though it's being really noisy and everyone is pointing at it? I feel like every so often, a writer says "Hey, wouldn't it be hilarious to add a scene where the Doctor doesn't notice something obvious?" and we end up with a scene like this.
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| GET IT IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING STANDING BEHIND THE DOCTOR BUT HE'S OBLIVIOUS WHY ISN'T ANYBODY LAUGHING??!?!?! |
Except that it's not funny. It just makes the Doctor look like an idiot. Speaking of which...
The Doctor is Weird
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| The Doctor is weird. Did you forget that the Doctor is weird? Let's remind you that the Doctor is weird. The Doctor is weird. |
The Beginning
I've watched the first scene, before the TARDIS shows up, like six times, and I'm still baffled.
Did this man, with his little stereo thing, accidentally trick his sub-mates, into almost starting the nuclear armageddon?
Screwdriver
At this rate, I'm going to start a non-profit organization dedicated solely to getting that prop banned from Doctor Who. I actually cheered out loud when the sonic screwdriver fell into the water, because I thought it would get short-circuited and would never be used again.
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| Yay!!! |
But then he gets it back, and look how happy he looks!
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| No, please, no! |
And then, as usual, he uses it for everything... scanning the sub to find Skaldak, and most importantly, he was going to use it to blow up the sub.
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| "I just downloaded the blowing-up-a-submarine app, so now I'm truly unstoppable!" |
You know what really disappoints me about this? For the very first time since I can remember, we actually have a bad guy whose armor is based on sonic tech. That could have been such a good opportunity for the Doctor to use his sonic screwdriver in a sonic screwdriver-y way, like commandeering the suit.
Yet another missed opportunity...
Clara's Personality
I think the writers accidentally acknowledged that the new companion doesn't have a personality.
Grisenko: So tell me about yourself. What do you like doing?
Clara: Stuff. Y'know? Stuff.
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| Hobbies include smiling and getting her head stroked by aliens. |
The Good
Based on the above, it might seem like The Cold War was a flop (much like the actual Cold War... zing!). Even so, I still found a lot to like in it. Having no sentimental attachment to the Ice Warriors from the olden days, I didn't care as much about the return of an old villain, but it is still cool to tie the show back to its earlier heritage. More importantly, however...
The Acting
I've never had cause to complain about the acting on Doctor Who, but sometimes you have a scene where an actor really needs to know what they are doing.
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| Behind the camera is River, wondering why the Doctor is so late coming home from work. |
As soon as the Doctor turns around in that scene where he first sees Skaldak, it suddenly becomes a brilliant scene. The Doctor is clearly terrified, and comes really close to losing his composure: "It never rains but it pours [nervous laugh]". In the screencap above, you can clearly see the fear in his eyes, and despite the fact that he doesn't actually say that he's scared, it's clear from his tone of voice and from his eyes that the Doctor is about to sh*t himself.
I will also give extreme Kudos to Jenna Louise-Coleman for her portrayal of Clara in The Cold War, especially in the scene where she sees the dismantled soldiers.
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| "Is he...waving? Do I have to...wave back...?" |
That's a big moment for Clara. This is her third adventure with the Doctor, but the first time she's seen someone brutally murdered. There's a lot of emotion in that experience, and it can fundamentally change her view of the world. That Jenna Louise-Coleman managed to convey all of that in a scene where she not only had no lines, but actually didn't even move, is true acting at its finest.
Negotiating
In the revived series, the Doctor has very often tried to negotiate with his enemies, but it was starting to get old, since it never works.
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| The Doctor: He negotiated himself to death. |
This is the first time that I've ever seen his negotiations even come close to effectiveness, and it really is satisfying to see something other than violence be useful against a "bad guy", especially a soldier.
The Russians
When I say the Russians, I mean the three with names: Captain Zhukov, Lieutenant Stepashin, and Professor Grisenko. They each had their own well-developed personalities, and I cared about what happened to them (not all the same way, mind you - I was very pleased to see Lieutenant Stepashin get dismantled).
That's especially true of Clara's new best friend, the not-at-all stodgy old Professor.
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| Please be my grandfather. |
He came across as a bit of a grump at first, but I rapidly warmed to him, and when Skaldak was threatening to kill him, I couldn't help but hold my breath.
The Ending
Wait, what? You thought I hated the ending, right?
Well... I didn't like the resolution, but the lead-up to it, where Skaldak had his itchy finger on the button, was brilliantly directed, and, just like the scene with Grisenko's head, I was on the edge of my seat, waiting, wondering, how it would be resolved.
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| We really need to stop manufacturing end-of-the-world buttons. |
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| Miss America 2013 Runner Up |
Overall
The Bells of Saint John was a really good episode, and The Rings of Akhaten was a disaster. The Cold War falls somewhere in between, but probably leaning slightly towards Bells.
The Cold War features beautiful direction, good music, and excellent acting. None of this is unusual for Doctor Who, but the acting in The Cold War was great enough that it deserves special mention. It also mastered tension in a way not often seen in Doctor Who, especially when Skaldak was longingly stroking the Big Red Button.
But in the end, The Cold War suffers from another case of sloppy writing. The ending was so tacked on that I actually started laughing, and the Doctor and Clara were well-portrayed, but almost irrelevant to the story.
Hopefully, my complaints don't haunt you!
NEXT EPISODE: HIDE
Harriet Jones is back. |
| "Boo!" |
(Note: puns at the beginning inspired by my good friend Anna Schumaker)
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